by Claire Aitchison
The pain of guilt for time spent on the PhD which would otherwise have been spent with the kids. This always comes up when I’m working with women doctoral students, and virtually never when I am working with male or mixed gender groups of doctoral researchers. There, I’ve said it. Sexist, huh?
So, can you be a doctoral scholar and ‘good’ mother at the same time? Goodwin and Huppatz (2010) critique the idea of the good mother in their book The Good Mother: Contemporary Motherhoods in Australia Their book also contains a wonderful set of readings on contemporary motherhood, including examples of women doing their mothering work alongside paid jobs in the trades, the phenomenon of the ‘yummy mummy’, executive mothers, lesbian mothering and more. At the planning meeting for this book a young scholar spoke of her intention to write about her double life as PhD student studying in a foreign country while trying to raise her child without family and community support. She described the cultural, physical and financial challenges – but the most difficult of all was the emotional challenge. The biggest problem was guilt. Guilt about prioritising her needs above those of her child, guilt about not being physically present and emotionally available. This experience is not unique. I have certainly observed it often, and conversations about managing family commitments alongside all the other challenges of research scholarship, are frequent in my work with doctoral students and early career researchers.
Mother guilt for doctoral students can include:
• not being there for the kids. This can be guilt-inducing at any time, but absence for one’s intellectual fulfilment (as opposed to going to work earning money for the family) can be almost debilitating
• feeling the need to hide from supervisors and others, the extent of the impact of the family on one’s availability
• feeling bad about the fact that one’s child /children don’t fulfil one’s intellectual needs
• concern about losing the ability to use grownup words from spending too much time with baby
• resenting being forgotten by the real world outside nappies, sleep time and baby vomit
• just not enjoying nappies, sleep deprivation and baby vomit
• the secret truth that one would prefer to be working on a critique of Bourdieu than singing nursery rhymes
• feeling bad about not being able to meet with supervisors at times they prefer because childcare commitments make afternoons and evenings well-nigh impossible
• trying not to feel resentful when babies won’t sleep or when they get sick because it interferes with writing plans
• Feeling bad about leaving kids, being exhausted and, dare I say it, just not interested in sex
Last year I ran a series of regular whole-day writing workshops and I was struck again at the extraordinary lengths women went to, to juggle the childcare commitments and their doctoral research endeavours. One young scientist brought her child in with her each week. She had no option – as an international student she wasn’t able to afford childcare.
Over the years there have been a number of parents (including a father) who brought babies/ young children to writing group meetings. It hasn’t always worked well. But equally, I have had participants who have dropped out because they’d not been able to satisfactorily find/manage childcare arrangements. It simply isn’t easy. The first go I had at doing a Ph.D. didn’t work because my second child wasn’t a sleeper, and after many months of exhaustion, I simply gave up.
How can we as supervisors and those who work with doctoral candidates, improve the experiences of women researchers? Can we build into our practices a greater awareness and accommodation of those struggling to honour their love of family and desire for rewarding motherhood /parenthood alongside satisfying doctoral study?
One thing I believe to be important is that conversations about the struggles and the emotions of motherhood, parenting, children and family, be openly acknowledged and integrated into our conceptualising and practising of doctoral education. Your thoughts welcome.
Addendum: A shameless plug for two related papers –
Carter, S., Blumenstein, M., & Cook, C. M. (2012). Different for women? The challenges of doctoral study. Teaching in Higher Education. DOI: 10.1080/13562517.2012.719159 and
Mowbray, S. & Aitchison, C. (forthcoming) PhD women: Managing emotions, managing doctoral studies Teaching in Higher Education
DoctoralWriting 
In the two years of completing my MAT, I certainly had similar feelings of guilt and frustration. For me, family support (husband, in-laws, mother, sisters) was crucial in getting through deadlines and time spent away from the three kids.
Admittedly, I prefer the computer to the kitchen, study group sessions to playgrounds. Nonetheless, there is a season for intense intellectual engagement, and a season for intense parenting.
Now that my kids are growing up and as I consider an academic career, it’s about finding the balance and stealing time for whatever needs to be done. There will never be a perfect balance nor a perfect solution but I believe in pressing on and nurturing both my mind and my children.
Hi Sherrie Lee. Thanks for your thoughts. Yes, I agree it’s about getting the balance right and it’s rarely an either / or situation; although sometimes it really feels that way! As you indicate, having supportive networks is so important for that nurturing of mind and soul; and for the family too. Sounds like you have found a good balance!
I’m a second year PhD candidate and I had one child (who was 18 months) when I started my PhD and I had a second child during my first year of candidature (and had 6 months off). I sometimes get a sense that my supervisors are mildly embarrassed or uncomfortable if I mention my children – perhaps an idea that the academy is separate and above such earthly things as sleepless nights and childcare crises – or maybe unfounded paranoia on my part. When we have discussed my dual responsibilities head-on however, I’ve found them to be supportive.
One of the most useful things my supervisor told me when I was anxious about the amount of time I had to commit to my PhD (I’m enrolled full-time but rarely do more than 30-35 hours a week of work on it) was that the time when I wasn’t directly working on my PhD would be helpful because it would give time for ideas to percolate. He was quite right. There have been many times when I’ve been mulling over problems and ideas while feeding the ducks with the kids, patting the baby back to sleep (neither of my kids are “sleepers” so the I’ve had plenty of opportunities) or kicking a ball around, and an idea has clicked into place.
The other major benefit I’ve found, and that supervisors could point out to other women in my situation, is that my children have stopped me from becoming obsessed with my PhD and probably given me some useful distance and sanity. In the early days I hankered for the old freedom to spend countless hours locked in the library but I’ve come to realise that the daily deadline I face (when childcare runs out) is helpful discipline in making me use my time efficiently and prevents the slide into obsession.
Occasionally I toy with mother-guilt but I quickly dismiss it. I now realise my grandmother was probably a frustrated academic and would have loved the opportunity to have mixed a PhD with mothering her young children. So, when I am physically present, say feeding the ducks with my kids, but mentally I’m off in PhD-land, instead of wallowing in guilt and wondering if I am sufficiently “emotionally available” to my children, I thank my lucky stars I can mix mothering with a PhD and throw another chunk of bread.
Hi Bridget – what a wonderful contribution! Thank you for lifting our spirits and reminding us of how far women have come – and of how privileged we are. I have an image of you as wonder woman ‘percolating’ while feeding ducks with one hand and holding baby with the other! Wonderful.
This is a wonderful discussion and I’m so happy I came across it. Here is my story.
I recently found out that I was pregnant and I have 8 months left of my Masters. I am currently applying for a funded Doctorate place which I have spent the last 4 years dedicating every second of my spare time to gaining as much experience as possible to enable a secure place.
I considered an abortion as it seems the most sensible option but then realised that I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. My partner is in the military and is away Monday to Friday which practically leaves me as a single mum during the week. My partner does however earn a good salary, so I could afford child care.
Basically, if I get my place on the doctorate I would be putting my baby into child care at 3.5 months old. Is this a terrible thing to do? Is it possible to carry out a full time doctorate for 3 years with a new baby? Is my baby going to create an attachment with the child minder rather than myself?
As I’m sure you can all probably tell, I am terrified.
I would really appreciate any comments.
Congratulations! How exciting to be expecting a wonderful addition to your life. We’re glad you have found this discussion valuable and hope you take strength from the experiences of others – babies and doctoral study can go together! and childcare is not an uncommon component of that arrangement. In fact you may find you are more available than you would be if you were having to work with a young baby. Perhaps others may have some ideas for you. best wishes, Claire
Hi Bridget,
I could have written exactly the same thing as you wrote!
Catherine
social support is indeed what’s needed … without that i also don’t think i will ever imagine pulling through..
Yes, indeed!
Thank you for writing this article and those who commented it. I am a PhD mother (full-time but now converted to part-time). I have two young children and almost quit twice because I feel so much guilt and I find that my progress is slower than others. I keep on kicking myself to go to study, and now, I am half way there. I’d like to know how others motivate themselves constantly and would like suggestions on how to focus more. I live in a close community where I bump into executive working mothers and yummy mummies almost on daily basis. They make me feel inadequate in social life (talking about dinner parties, workout sessions, triathlon competitions) and in earning power (no important meetings, business class flights and proper work or income for me). How do you find strength to beat your internal voices saying you are not smart enough to do PhD and probably it is better to do something else?
You pose a good challenge – how do we beat that undermining self-talk and halt the constant comparisons with others? Perhaps keeping an eye on the longer term can help. I am towards the end of my academic career and recognize now, more clearly than ever before, the importance of kids and family life. They will be there for you for the duration – the PhD is but a step in life’s journey. Perhaps others may have helpful views.
I’ve been thinking a lot about your reply Red_Hair. I felt really sad when I read that you were feeling inadequate compared to the yummy-mummy crew. My first thought was, don’t forget the reason they are talking about their important meetings, earning power, triathlons etc is because they too feel insecure. They are not some kind of special breed of super-powered, carefully turned-out, wonder-women. There are only so many hours every day and they happen to have prioritized work and looking good. Your choice (like mine) of looking slightly food-stained, tired but academically challenged and engaged is just as worthy. They may well be looking at your life and envying the time you get to spend with your kids and the fact that you are your own boss when you do a PhD.
Which leads me to the second thing I thought when I read what you wrote – “I keep on kicking myself to go to study”. That constant, nagging feeling that you should be doing your study is not a good one and not that useful because no matter which task you are doing you’ll feel guilty. The way I’ve overcome this is to just treat your PhD like a job. I figured out my work hours and I only do work during those hours. As I said in a previous post here, I think about my PhD a lot, but I put my computer away, books down and walk out of my office at the end of my work session and that is it. Don’t try and eek time out of every other part of your day or you’ll just ended up emotionally and physically exhausted. Who cares if it takes you a bit longer than other people? Just think of all the young men with no responsibilities who have for the many years since the PhD was invented taken eons to do it! You’ll get there and at the end you’ll not only get to put “Dr” before your name but you’ll have two children who you’ve enjoyed and spent time with and who will be super proud to come and clap you on at graduation.
What an uplifting post – thank you Bridget for your wise words.
Bridget,
Thanks for the uplifting advice! After I wrote the message, I told myself all the good the reasons why I started the PhD and should focus on the ongoing process. I shouldn’t be affected by other people who choose to do different things in life.
I thought your suggestion about working hours is great and I will put it on the wall so my husband knows when I have “night shift”.
Thanks for your Blog. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. I’m not a PhD student, I’m an MSC student and a single parent to a 2 year old. I have one year left of my studies and I’m not sure how I got through my first year, especially on the nights when she didn’t want to sleep. On my last essay, we had to hand in 2 essays at the same time. I literally got one hours sleep because the night before the deadline, my daughter couldn’t sleep I had a ton of work to do and I literally had to type while she sat on my lap. There have been times when I’ve cried through stress, guilt and the pressure of work, but I know it will benefit both of us in the end. I miss her so much. I spend a rushed hour with her every day in the weekdays and weekends go so quickly. I dread Sunday nights and it hurts when she wants to go to Nursery (daycare) at weekends, instead of being with me.She practically lives there so why wouldn’t she?
Anyway, although I’m not PhD it is good to hear from other mums who are facing similar challenges. I guess after our studies, it will be full time work, so we better get used to it. Thanks again.
A great reminder that it’s not just doctoral student mums who sometimes feel overwhelmed managing the pressures of study and motherhood. Hang in there Tanya – you and your bub will be rightly proud when you’ve achieved your goals.
I’m an international student in my first year of a doctoral program in Management. My husband is a tenure-track assistant professor, and we have beautiful 13 month old son. I’m thinking seriously about quitting my PhD program next semester because we don’t have any sort of support. I’m so overcome by guilt I don’t think I’m able to do justice to either my work or my son (Translate: I’m terrified of failing at both). I think it would be better for me to wait until the baby is older before I attempt a PhD again.
Dear Kivina,
There are times for all of us when life’s challenges can seem almost overwhelming. As the respondents here have indicated, some have managed the dual demands of mothering and doctoral study, while others have deferred or delayed study for a better time. It’s a difficult decision to make and each person will have different influences on their thinking. Although doctoral study can seem an isolated endeavour most universities have avenues for students to connect, services where you can seek help talking through difficult decisions -and perhaps some of the exchanges in this blog may help! Some people find their supervisors to be supportive and experienced in handling these kinds of situations. Tricky as it may feel now, one day this will be a distant memory for you and your darling baby. So many people will identify with your dilemma; we wish you well as you work towards a solution.
What a great blog!
The past few days I have been thinking a lot about the next professional / personal life decisions to make. Fortunately, I found this blog and is great to read about your experiences.
Personally, I consider myself very career-oriented. I am an artist by nature, very curious, and love to learn new things in a daily basis that would boost my intellect. Currently I am working towards my licensure in field of study. Now that I have completing my masters, I have feel tempted to pursue a Phd, while at the same time I would love to conceive in the next few months.
However, when I think about the time that a Phd would take and my desire of starting a family (7 years married / 32 years old/ 0 babies), the big question comes to mind…How I would be able to do it when my profession is so demanding and time consuming?
I greatly admire all the moms out there that have been able to do it. Definitely, the life of the 21st century woman is not quite easy!
I wish each of you the best of luck — all my best
Thank you for the post and all the follow up comments. I can to relate to many of you. As soon as I started my PhD, I fell pregnant with my first. My husband and I were living hundreds of miles away so it was very tough. I am also an int’l student without any family or support system. Then I fell pregnant again a year later (didn’t tell my advisor about it, but was high risk that I took time off). Now I am trying to be a good mother to my two beautiful children yet complete my prelims. The guilt is killing me. The time I took off from research and teaching… well, I just regret it, I regret not doing any progress. I hate that my advisor ( a male) and my department care only about having a robbot TA to teach X class. They did not care that I had a doctor’s note to take time off (again, no mention of a second pregnancy). But I’m truly happy at the same time b/c I was able to spend time with both babies. Now that the semester is about to start, I am just so overwhelmed and don’t know what to do. I just hope I can make it work as a mom and as a full time student.
Dear Dana,
You have our very best wishes and encouragement. A new year and a new stage in your life, and for your family – there will be tough periods but you have them and their support (and ours!) on your side. All the best, Claire
Thank you for this post. Reading all the posted comments has been helpful. I too wish that I could get rid of the guilt of not being present enough for my 2 children, now 4 and 6. However, I sometime wonder if leaving my Phd to be a more present mother would result in being a better one. Even though I do not handle stress and pressure to perform very well, which has repercussion on how I interact with my family at times, I also know that I enjoy the intellectual emancipation I get from this PhD and that my family benefit from these feelings too. I have been at it for 2 years, and debating between quitting and staying is an ongoing struggle. I must regularly take deep breaths, allow these emotions to surface, acknowledge them and discuss them with close friends and husband. I think this somehow gives me the strength to keep at it. Like Bridget mentioned, I also work within my PhD on a work schedule and do the best that I can within those hours. Although I am slower and less productive than others, I believe that the work I have accomplished thus far is good and genuine and worth pursuing.
Dear All
I can identify with the emotional struggles as above participants in this blog as I am also a second year student at the University of Stellenbosch, South Africa, working full time as a Captain in the South African Police Service, while doing a PhD and being a mother – and wife, and domestic in my house. So I feel the pressure, and I know about juggling the balls.
But,
I’m not gonna quit.
I might take more time to finish my “project” as I like to call it, by progressing bit by bit through the deadlines and action steps, while fulfilling the job demands of a police official and assisting with Grade 1 homework when I get home (on the one side of the kitchen counter, while on the other side I have my eye on not burning the food that’s on the stove).
I’m not quitting, ’cause one colleague reminded me that I am working on leaving a legacy for my children and my grandchildren – while inspiring my collegues unknowingly as I tread this road.
Cause they will learn from my challenge and my road in becoming Dr – as I pave the path for them to begin the road to realise their dreams too.
Tania
Dear Tania, Thank you for your inspirational comments. It’s so valuable to remind ourselves that we can make a difference to not only our own lives – but those of our children too. Good on you, and good luck with your “project”!
Dear Tania,
I find your story motivates me even more to work harder and I agree that this is the legacy for our children. I have a young daughter and when I explained to her that my field is in Engineering where over 90% are men, she changed her view of math and science. I found this website last year when I almost gave up my PhD, especially with other women questioning how much time do I spend time with my children. Now, all I have to say to them is my daughter is one of the top students in her class, she excels both in piano and tennis and has so much play time with her friends and me at the same time. It is work hard and play hard motto. My husband supported me not to quit the PhD and I am very lucky to have a supportive supervisor too. My progress is definitely slower than the others. I now have published three papers acknowledged internationally and passed half of my PhD. It still needs a lot of hard works but I keep on trying every single day to move forward. Surely, reading comments like yours lifting my spirits to know that I am not alone.
hi,just found this blog v v useful. I’m a dentist but not working at the moment. I have a beautiful son of 2, and am planning to do my M Phil leading to a PhD. After reading these posts I’m considering it – but is it really possible to do the study from 9-5? and not take that pressure into the home????? Any advise plz,thx
Hi Sadia, a good question. Many will admit that keeping the study and domestic life separate, can be a challenge – however, if you can try to work towards this (eg set up good child care, organising discreet blocks of time with and away from the family, establish support networks for help during tough times, and so on) you have a sound beginning to your return to study – and hopefully you will establish a pattern that is sustainable for the majority of the journey. Others may have other suggestions too. Good luck!
hi… My third and last child was a happy miracle but was born 6 weeks before I started my phd… I have childcare but I have struggled to put the hours in and 18 months in I have failed my upgrade. Of course I want to resubmit but I feel so terrified now that I am just not up to it. I have not done enough work through fear and wanting to be with the children and feeling inadequate. However, I know that if I don’t do this I will regret it forever. I burst into tears at my upgrade viva and had to leave which was really embarrassing… I am at a fab university and my secondary supervisor has kids so she is sympathetic… is it an option to take 6 months off then restart when my son starts nursery? Also, I have had to move to Asia with my husband but have not told my uni as I don’t want to have to relinquish my place. This adds it’s own dimension of isolation and travel which is difficult / tiring. And finally, my supervisor made me take out a lot of theoretical parts in my upgrade chapter, but its absence was the main criticism (by other people) of my work at the upgrade!! Aargh!! Any advice? maybe I have one last chance and this is it..
I was interested that you said that you had one go at a phd but gave up… then you managed it the second time around… How did that work out??
It sounds like you are feeling overloaded at this time, but things will get better I’m sure. I note you say the university is fabulous and so are your supervisors, which is a blessing. Perhaps you can make inquiries with the Graduate School (or relevant section) regarding the possibility and processes for taking time off from study; that might be the circuit breaker you need at this stage. If you were interested, they may also be able to point you in the direction of a support service (lots are now available on line). It worked for me to call it quits and come back to study at a later date – but you may be further along – and a break, rather than resigning altogether, could do the trick. Others may have good suggestions too. Best wishes, claire
My supervisor was wonderful… She refocussed me and we had a long and very helpful discussion about the theoretical side which was a revelation. I feel so enthused and on fire to work on what interested me in the first place. I feel like I want to resubmit and show the panel (who were hard and ambushed me somewhat) what I can do. My supervisor has one of the most prestigious positions in my area in Europe and so I feel that she really knows what she is doing and has shown 100 per cent faith in me and my project.
Thank you for listening, sometimes it really helps just to set out an anonymous scribble to sift how you feel about something. This has been a rollercoaster but I can really see the way forward now.
Thank you!
And thanks for updating us. Wonderful news. It is reassuring to read how things can turn around. Best wishes for the next phase. How exciting!
This is a great article because we don’t hear enough about the struggles of mothers getting their PhDs, at least not in my program. I have 2 young children–they were 3 and 5 when I started the program and are now almost 5 and 7–and nearly quit a couple of times due to the guilt and stress. Also, I am on an accelerated 3 year PhD track with the plan to graduate next year. I have been doing everything while maintaining nearly perfect grades and co-leading large scale research studies. Am I driven or a masochist? At times I can’t tell–but I am pushing on with all the strength I have left in me because I have to prove it to my family and myself, that I can do this and that their sacrifice was worth it. Would I recommend other mother of young children do this? Generally, no. If they have plenty of support and quality childcare, possibly. Just know that it’s damn hard and that yes, you are giving up precious time for your kids and husband to do this. We have to accept that hard truth and still be ok.
This is a great discussion! I thought I would share my story because these already here have helped me a lot. I am a part-time phd student, approaching confirmation who began when my daughter was one (a reflux baby who still does not sleep consistently at 2.5 years!). I think as a part-timer I might experience less guilt about time away but have to balance that with the ridiculous self-motivation it takes to stare down 6 odd years of study and keep plodding through, even when you are exhausted and feel you will never get there. The upside of part time as others have mentioned is the space between work days to let ideas percolate and the way that you have to be absolutely present with them means you can’t obsess or let it take over your life.
Equality in child care at our house is difficult (which is new to us because before our daughter I earnt as much, at times more than him and things were very evenly shared), without being the breadwinner I am expected to be primary carer (husband is gone from 7am to 7pm) so there is a weight to always being expected to sandwich working time between daycare pick up’s, drop offs, be always on call and have to sacrifice hours during illness, and generally work whenever I can grab hours even if I am sick myself or exhausted.
The poverty is also a big one, I am on a scholarship which at the part time rate pays for little more than childcare and the thought that I could spend the same amount of time working and making my family far more financially comfortable is really hard to manage at times. I do research assistant work and also some sessional teaching which helps financially but adds other pressures.
I just keep focusing on the end-game, this is giving me far more options for my and my families future, I come from an industry which is notoriously not family friendly, with 60 hour work weeks being the norm, so the possibility of working more flexible hours in the future when my daughter is older is really valuable. The good news story is knowing you have limited work hours keeps you more disciplined and I am currently on track to complete my confirmation 6 months early so fingers crossed I can keep going like this.
The real debate in our house at the moment is whether we are one and done, my husband doesn’t really want more and I am not sure whether I can handle more but I am feeling the tugs of wanting to give her a sibling and want to make sure the PhD isn’t the reason we don’t because I am sure I would live to regret that!
Good luck to all of you, you are amazing warrior women and deserve all the best from your hard work.
Thank you for another fine addition to this conversation. It is really inspiring to see how people face and overcome their challenges. We are grateful to those of you who share your stories here because these kinds of ‘survive and thrive’ stories offer practical strategies that enable us all to learn from one another and work to counter some of the negative discourses around doctoral study and expectations for superhero mother-students . I recently attended a 3 day event delightfully called the DocFest at a regional Australian university: Charles Sturt University. There were many, many wonderful sessions, but one of the most heartfelt and inspiring Juggling life with doing a PhD involved a panel of students speaking about the challenges they had faced and overcome during the course of their candidature. It was clear that there is power in these kinds of conversations for helping us get through the tough times and to re-appreciate our own strengths for doing so.
Thank you so much for the blog and all the comments. Reading through them today, I felt a surge of strength and motivation knowing that I am not alone in the phd-mummy struggles. I have no words of wisdom really – I had my daughter in my first year of my PhD, and after 9 months of maternity leave, I am just now starting my second year, so feel like I’m still very much in the process of learning how to manage the demands of both. It’s definitely been a roller coaster so far; learning to be a mummy AND all massive learning that comes with the PhD. But I try not to focus on the things I’m not doing with my daughter, like the swimming classes that I sometimes miss on sundays, or all the things that my stay-at-home mum friends do with their babies, and instead focus on the amazing example that I am setting her – not to let fear or obstacles stand in your way, aim high, be important, be brave, and that you, my little girl, can do anything you want, its all in your reach, waiting for you to grab it. What a wonderful message we are all sending to our babies. Keep going, wonderful mummies. You are all doing great x
Thank you for this. I am a mother of four (ages 4 months to four years) and a second year doctoral student. I feel intense guilt for the amount of time I have to put them in childcare and keep on trying to see the silver lining–but it gets hard sometimes. You can read about my journey at http://www.3under3andaphd.blogspot.com
Take a look at this story/ blog site from Ashley – it’s fun and uplifting!
So stressful specially when you are working at the same time you need to settle some things for your family. As a single mom of two, I tend to work at home but I’m having a problem on how to juggle work and family at a time. I thank you for this information. Thanks and keep on posting!
As you say, studying, working and mothering can be a demanding time. Jeny also recommends this useful website with tips on how to juggle the work/mothering challenge…
Update… After it became clear I had to spend a second year abroad, I have suspended for a year. I feel very relieved and it has given me the breathing space I need. It also means that when I return my youngest will be three, so I will feel slightly less guilty at what will become a full time ‘job’. I have had three months off so far and I have been really happy… but I am also starting to get the itch to study and write again. I think I may take a very long time to finish my phd but I will, eventually. Stepping out of the ‘race’ to finish is a good way to realise that your family and friends value and love you no less because you are taking a break from a difficult project. The world keeps turning!
Keep supporting each other and remember that a suspension / year out / head room is something everyone juggling parenting and post graduate study could need from time to time. You may find you just cannot face returning to your studies, but either way time and distance provide valuable perspective.
good luck everyone
Clare
Sounds like you made the right decision Clare. Sometimes a break is just the right thing… Savour it, and you’ll enjoy the return to writing and study so much more!
I was so interested to read this, I completed my PhD on women balancing the dual roles of motherhood and postgraduate student. My findings inspired me to start a website http://www.mumswhostudy.com.au where I am trying to gather resources to share with other mums. I hope you don’t mind me referring back to this article! With very best wishes
Bailey
Thanks Bailey for your comments and for alerting us to your website. I hope others who come across this post will find take the opportunity to click across to your blog. What a great initiative – good luck with it!
Thank you so much, I have heard from many mums about this guilt issue – I wrote a children’s book to help explain to kids about why Mum studies, to open the dialogue and one of the pages has Mum giving the kids toast for dinner (what I have done on many occasions *eek*) anyway that is absolutely the top page that Mums comment on to me – this issue around being a ‘good mother’ and the guilt – it’s so so so common. I will try upload the page.
What a wonderful article and insightful discussion. I have enjoyed reading all the comments about motherhood and doctoral studies. My son was 3 months old when I completed my second PhD summer residency. I would pump breast milk whenever we had a break from classes which was difficult but I managed to survive! I just passed my qualifying exam and am working on my research proposal. I am expecting baby #2 in April 2016 and my research question moving forward is, How do men and women in doctoral programs experience the phenomenon of parenthood? It is possible to be a parent and a graduate student and I would argue that they compliment each other in a positive way! Thanks to everyone for sharing 🙂
Thanks for joining the conversation ‘Mama PhD’- I think it will be safe to say that everyone who reads this post will be wishing you great success in your research – you might even consider writing us a blog sometime as you progress the study? Warm regards, Claire
Hi, I came across this website in 2013 when I almost quit my PhD. I just received my examination result yesterday and I have passed my PhD in electrical engineering. The feedback of the reviewers were great and I managed to publish several good technical papers before submission. I would like to share this to encourage the mothers who are doing (or going to do) PhD here. The writing period was tough and there were tears here and there. Even one month before finishing, I cried a few times in the bathroom. I am grateful for this website and for Bridget and Tania, even though I don’t know you, you should know that your words affected me in many ways. There are only a few women doing PhD in my field and I am the only one with young children so I don’t have many people to talk to about juggling motherhood while doing PhD.
All the best for everyone.
Congratulations Red_Hair, so pleased for you! Very gratifying that our words helped you on your way, thanks for checking back in. I’m also done and now gainfully employed in the academy. It is definitely a unique challenge having kids and doing a PhD but I’m so pleased I just did it. The last few weeks my brain felt like it was working at maximum capacity and I used up all my credit with my husband, kids and extended family but I got it in and passed. I did have a giggle when my supervisor suggested I go golfing to recover from the experience. I settled for some quality time on the floor playing Lego instead!
Thanks for this post. I’ve been wandering the internet trying to find other parents in PhD programs to learn more about how they navigated school, instructors, and other students. I’ll be away from my 4 year old for 2 and a half summers to complete my coursework (starting this summer). I started up a blog and wrote about the different ways I’m going to maintain presence and connection with her while I’m gone. I’d be grateful if you could share it with your readers 🙂 https://phdincoming.wordpress.com/2016/03/28/how-to-be-away-from-your-kid-while-in-grad-school/
Hi Perri,
We’re glad you found this blog post – and even more pleased that it continues to be an inspiration to others. As well as taking encouragement from the shared wisdom of people like Bridget, Tania and Red_Hair we hope those who come across our blog also link into your site to share and learn more about living successful motherhood alongside successful study! Bests, Claire
I can’t seem to separate the file to attach that page – but here is link to book anyway if anyone is interested.
http://www.mumswhostudy.com.au/#!blank/srq5t/6c425e31-9f8a-65cd-4777-eb40690ed96c
Best wishes Mums!
Reblogged this on School of Nursing & Midwifery – HDR Insiders .